One year ago, today, I held the hand of one of my best friends as she took her last breaths. I was 2 when she was born and although I don't remember the first time I met her, she was such a big part of my whole life that it seemed she had always been there. I am so lucky she chose me to be part of her life. I have 3 sisters that she could have chosen to be close to just as easily She taught me so much, (not always good things) and we had a lot of fun together. We also had our fights but we got over them quickly.
We were already family, but if my grandparents hadn't adopted her I probably wouldn't have even known her. We grew up together, literally. She had 2 natural brothers and 2 natural sisters but I only know one of the sisters. Sadly, the others chose not to be part of her life. They missed out.
Describing her is almost impossible. I have to be careful when I tell some of my stories because if you didn't know her you would think she was an awful person, especially since my best stories are ones in which we were misbehaving. She was very outspoken and said what she meant, even if it meant hurting someone. Personally, I would rather know exactly what someone thought about me than to learn later that everything you believed was a lie. Been there, done that.
I can hardly believe its been a year. I think of her every day, hell, I talk to her every day. She shows up in my dreams occasionally. One dream, in particular, stands out because I truly believe she was there. It was the night before her funeral and the dream was very vivid. I assumed I was in a quilt shop because of all the bright colors but realize now I have no idea where I was. Tracy was in her wheelchair and I needed to pick her up for some reason. I had done this countless times before but towards the end of her life, her left shoulder had become stiff and very painful if moved. Twice, I made her cry because of the pain when I moved her. After I picked her up, she looked at me, smiled, and said "You didn't hurt me." At the end of the dream, I was standing beside her wheelchair looking down at her. She got this grin on her face that, if you knew her, told you she was up to something. I asked her, "What are you doing?" She put her hands on the armrests of her wheelchair, pushed herself up and took a step away from it.
If you've made it all the way to the end of this post, thank you for reading it. I wrote it more for myself than anyone else because I couldn't let this day go by without making note of the important role Tracy played in my life. My message is to appreciate the people in your life--the ones that make it better just by being there, the ones who believe in you and support you. Don't worry about the ones who tear you down, forgive them and walk away.
